When to Fire Your Therapist

Should You Try Harder or Get Out?

Try harder when the problem is fixable, and get out when it's structural. Getting this wrong in either direction costs you.

For the fixable problems: a good therapist will welcome direct feedback. Saying "I've been feeling like our sessions are a bit scattered. Can we spend more time focusing on X?" is reasonable, and their response to it is useful data. A therapist who becomes defensive or dismissive when you raise a concern is showing you something important about how the rest of the relationship will go.

For the structural problems (competence, modality, fundamental misfit), no amount of honest feedback changes the underlying reality. You can have the most productive meta-conversation in the world with a therapist who doesn't know how to treat OCD. They still don't know how to treat OCD.

What Is the Three-Part Alliance?

The therapeutic alliance is the working relationship between you and your therapist, and it has three parts: bond, goals and tasks. Research on therapy outcomes finds the alliance is one of the most consistent predictors of whether therapy works (Flückiger et al., 2018). In OCD treatment the link is more modest, and agreement on goals and tasks is what mattered (Strappini et al., 2022). It's worth understanding all three parts, because they fail in different ways and require different responses. If you're wondering whether a good fit means a therapist who has lived what you've lived, read does my therapist need to share my experience.

Use this framework as a diagnostic. If you have strong bond but weak goals and tasks, try raising it first. Ask directly: "What do you think we're working toward? What would success look like in six months?" If after that conversation goals and tasks remain vague or misaligned, and that persists over several sessions, it's likely a competence or approach issue, not a communication one.

What Are the Red Flags That Mean It's Time to Leave?

The red flags below apply whatever you're in therapy for, and each one is a serious reason to consider leaving.

How Do You Actually Fire a Therapist?

You tell them in session, or send a short message if that feels like too much. It doesn't need to be dramatic. This is a professional relationship that isn't working, and you end it like an adult.

The most respectful approach: tell them in session. You don't need to prepare a speech. Something direct works: "I've been thinking, and I don't think this is the right fit for me. I'm going to try someone else." You don't owe an exhaustive explanation. You can share your reasoning if you want to, and sometimes that feedback is genuinely useful to a practitioner, but you’re not obligated to.

If that conversation feels impossible, if the thought of telling your therapist is itself part of why you’re still in the wrong therapy, that’s worth noticing. It may be saying something about patterns around conflict, boundary-setting, or disappointing people that are worth working on with the right person. It doesn't mean you have to stay.

An email or a message through their client portal is fine if direct feels like too much. "I've decided to try someone else. Thank you for the sessions." Done. That is better than staying in something that isn't working because you can't find a way to say goodbye.

What Should You Ask Before You Start Next Time?

Ask how to raise it if the therapy isn't working. One of the most useful things you can do in a first therapy consultation is ask this directly: "If I don't feel like this is working, how should I raise it with you? How do we create space to talk about the work itself?"

A good therapist will answer something like: "Please tell me. I'd rather know than not know. Let's plan to check in every few weeks about whether the work is feeling useful to you. Your feedback is part of what makes this work." They mean it. They've built mechanisms for receiving it. They're comfortable with the possibility that something isn't landing.

A defensive response (dismissal, reassurance that it will work, reframing the question, discomfort with the premise) is itself your answer. That response tells you something about how the relationship will handle difficulty. And therapy, by definition, involves difficulty. You need someone who can handle it.

For context on what a good first consultation should look and feel like, including what to watch for and what questions to ask, see the article on 4 things to know before starting therapy. For guidance on tracking progress once you've started with someone, see how to know if therapy is working. If you're looking for someone new for OCD, start with how to find an OCD therapist.

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